A reply from Santa, you ungrateful little shits
A reply from Santa, you ungrateful little shits
Your parents should be ashamed of themselves
Santa Claus, Founder, Chief Executive Officer
Sinterklaas Global Enterprises (an Amazon company)
1 North Pole Lane
Longyearbyen, Svalbard, Norway
Attn: B&B Siblings, Chicago, IL 60614
Dear B&B Siblings,
Thank you for sending me your respective Christmas Wish Lists this year for consideration. I have reviewed each of your claims and regret to inform you both that, due to your continued appalling, malevolent, and sinister behavior, neither of you qualify for Sinterklaas Global Enterprises’ free gifts program this year.
At this point in our form letter, I usually wish rejected children a Merry Holiday Season and encourage them to do better in order to receive gifts the following year. However, after studying your extraordinary cases, I felt a personalized response was needed.
Controlling for factors such as socioeconomic mobility, access to healthcare, access to education, access to nutritious food, parental income, parental education levels, neighborhood safety and amenities, and existing toy inventory at your current residence, my analytics team has determined that you two are among the top 1% most undeserving and ungrateful children ever documented in the history of Sinterklaas Global Enterprises — established circa late 4th century A.D.
When presented with this astonishing assessment, I insisted my elves re-crunch the numbers. When the data came back unchanged, it was incumbent upon me to provide comprehensive responses to your queries.
Older sibling B (female, 5 years, 11 months as of December 25, 2021): Your claims for the following presents are hereby denied, with extreme prejudice.
Disney Royal Princess Collection, 12 Doll Set: Claim denied.
Justification: This Disney set embeds and codifies existing sexist, racist, and exclusionary stereotypes that harm cognitive development in young girls while also perpetuating a patriarchal worldview. Six of the dolls are underage white girls who exploit toxic Western beauty standards to get their way, while also relying on mythologized white male saviors to bail them out of their self-inflicted problems. Furthermore, you already own three of them. Four dolls in this set are minorities constructed around damaging white supremacist tropes. You also already own three of those. The sole white doll that doesn’t fall into these tragicomic buckets was in a terrible movie. Seriously, your mom turned into a bear? WTF. If your parents insist on buying you a Barbie anyway, Santa recommends Moana, a young girl who handles her own shit and rescues The Rock’s punk ass several times.
Disney Princess Ultimate Celebration Castle, 4-Foot-Tall Doll House with Furniture and Accessories, Musical Fireworks Light Show: Claim denied.
Justification: See above. Furthermore, it is imperative that you disabuse yourself of the notion that you’ll ever live in a castle one day. If you’re extremely lucky, you’ll attend a good-to-great college and then get a bullshit white collar job that pays you six figures for programming algorithms to create PowerPoint slides. That’s the best-case scenario. Realize also that if you end up living in New York City, San Francisco, or Los Angeles, you’ll rent an 800-square foot apartment with three roommates. Megan Markle once lived in a castle. Ask her how that shit worked out.
Younger sibling B (male, 2 years, 7 months as of December 25, 2021): Your claims for the following presents are hereby denied, with extreme prejudice.
DC Comics Batman, Bat-Tech Batcave, Giant Transforming Playset: Claim denied.
Justification: Valorizing extreme wealth and idealized white masculine stereotypes is harmful to the development of multiracial children. Furthermore, Batman is a sadistic fascist who’d rather use his immense resources to bludgeon and brutalize Gotham’s exploited minorities than attack the real systemic abuses that have enabled his extreme wealth, including, but not limited to: regressive tax policy, the Laffer Curve, underinvestment in social services and a social safety net, Wall Street deregulation, for-profit prisons, for-profit healthcare, for-profit education, endemic municipal corruption, police brutality, the demise of private sector labor unions, Citizens United, white supremacy, the decline of media standards, online disinformation campaigns, failure to enact common sense gun regulations, a politicized judiciary, and rampant consumerism. Also, all of your current action figures fall under the Marvel umbrella.
Star Wars, The Black Series, The Mandalorian 6-Inch Collectible Action Figure: Claim denied.
Justification: Star Wars sucks. Since 1980 it’s been, objectively, terrible, and everybody needs to come to terms with this. That said, Santa did mark the fuck out when [SPOILER ALERT] Luke showed up and wrecked shit during The Mandalorian Season Two finale. Also, you broke your dad’s vintage Boba Fett and Wedge Antilles action figures, which he planned to sell to fund your college education.
In closing, I suggest you two miserable ingrates spend this holiday season looking inward and reflecting on why you felt compelled to verbally and physically accost your mother on a daily basis, whine and bitch and moan and cry about every goddamned thing, and generally demonstrate a piss-poor attitude in all endeavors that didn’t involve the television. I implore you to change your ways in 2022, and I look forward to reviewing your future claims. If it’s any consolation, know that your shithead father also failed to qualify for presents this year. Only your poor, sad mother made our Nice List.
Warm Holiday Wishes,
Santa