Announcing the winners of our sixth annual children’s book cleanse!
Even Mo Willems can't escape the culture war
Note: This is satire. Hopefully it’ll make you laugh. Crying also works.
Dear NBFE Parents,
We’re so thrilled to welcome your kiddos back to school for the 2022-23 academic year! We hope everyone had a restful and relaxing summer break!
While our students were away this summer the entire district worked diligently to improve and optimize our academic curricula and educational environment. We’ve launched and undertaken several key initiatives to ensure this school year will be the most rigorous, dynamic, and intellectually stimulating in the long, storied history of Nathan Bedford Forrest Elementary!
ANNUAL BOOK CLEANSE
First, I’m extremely excited to announce the selections for our Sixth Annual Children’s Book Cleanse! As a reminder to new families, each year a working group comprised of school administrators, leaders from Kids for Christ, our student government organization, and representatives from the local and regional chapters of the Oath Keepers and Three Percenters purify our community by expunging radical leftist propaganda from our classrooms.
This year’s cleanse was exceptionally productive. The committee worked around the clock to ensure your children won’t be exposed to the dogmatic wokeism that’s poisoning our once great nation.
Without any further ado, here are this year’s choices:
The Pigeon Finds a Hot Dog!: Don’t be fooled by the liberal establishment’s claim this is a simple story about controlling big emotions, problem-solving, and sharing. Underneath its kid-friendly veneer lies a cautionary tale about unchecked illegal immigration and the perils of the welfare state. It also features disturbing, unsubtle allusions to cannibalism.
The Pout-Pout Fish: Likewise pitched as a story about reframing expectations and becoming comfortable in your own skin, the sinister truth about this coming-of-age tale hides in plain sight. Mr. Fish is the victim of a globalist conspiracy. First, he’s groomed by the “bright and brilliant swimmer,” who arrives in “a silent silver shimmer” (read: Hilary), then he’s transformed into a depraved sexual predator and unleashed upon the unsuspecting denizens of the ocean floor.
Rosie Revere, Engineer, Ada Twist, Scientist, Sofia Valdez, Future Prez: NBFE condemns the “progressive” movement’s war on women. Devaluing femininity and shaming women for embracing their natural caregiving tendencies is a key pillar of illiberal leftism. Instead, we encourage our female students to aspire to the traditional roles (e.g., mommy, mother, grandma, nurse) depicted in Richard Scarry’s What Do People Do All Day? Also, a Caucasian woman writing from the perspective of multiple characters of color is cultural appropriation.
The Elephant & Piggie Series: This twenty-five book collection prides itself on teaching kids to overcome fear, try new things, and celebrate the power of everlasting friendship. Except it’s actually a trojan horse for the LGBTQIA+ takeover of America. These androgenous, anthropomorphic abominations are the perfect avatars for the annihilation of our traditional values. Do you want them lurking in your kids’ bathroom?
Meet Yasmin!: Soros-backed politicians would have you believe Pakistani-American Muslims lead regular lives, have regular dreams, and love their families like regular people. Don’t fall for it. This radicalistic propaganda distracts from the much greater issue at hand: Al Qaeda is all around us and ready to strike at any moment.
Mighty Moms: Mighty Dads is a classic. So of course the liberals had to force their woke, gender-non-conforming ideology onto everyone with this toxic, virtue-signaling sequel.
Curious George: Written by a Nazi sympathizer as an allegory for the abduction and forced captivity of Africans — paralleling the trans-Atlantic slave trade — while also maliciously deploying the man in the yellow hat to perpetuate the myth of the benevolent slave master, this H.L. Mencken classic is super, duper, crazy, bonkers racist. Even the Oath Keepers agreed it should be canceled.
NBFE is absolutely thrilled to have completed this important annual tradition! As a lifelong educator, I know for certain your children will benefit from not having their minds polluted with extremist ideas like empathy and dangerous concepts like science.
A few gentle reminders: Parents are encouraged to dispose of all copies of the aforementioned books during our annual Halloween bonfire. Children found in possession of these books on school property risk detention, expulsion, and/or forced marriage to a town elder.
Finally, I also wanted to highlight two Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) initiatives we recently rolled out.
First, to supplement the Governor’s Executive Order 66, which bans the teaching of Critical Race Theory, as well as any discussions of race-related topics on school premises, we conducted a holistic review of our academic curricula and teaching methodologies and also analyzed our faculty and student demographics.
The findings revealed a troubling pattern of militant leftist behavior by NBFE’s two non-Caucasian teachers. Luckily, school administrators took swift action and terminated both offenders with extreme prejudice.
Second, we instituted a mandatory six-week Christian Culture and American Assimilation module for all students enrolled in Kindergarten through Fifth Grade. At NBFE, we believe it’s crucial that no student ever feels “otherized” again.
Both initiatives make our commitment clear: Nathan Bedford Forrest Elementary will not tolerate racism in any form.
We hope everyone enjoys the final weekend of summer! I’m looking forward to working together to make this the best school year ever!
Yours in Education,
Principal Oswald Mosley DeVos
P.S. Next Sunday at 4:00pm we’ll be hosting our annual back-to-school FallFest extravaganza!
Kiddos will enjoy circus-style rides, an obstacle course, and a petting zoo. There will also be a 50/50 raffle featuring tons of great prizes, including confederate flag-emblazoned Trapper Keepers and autographed copies of Le Grand Remplacement in the original French. One extra special winner will take home their very own AR-15.
The festivities will conclude at 7:00pm sharp with our annual screening of Birth of a Nation.
Can’t wait to see everyone there!
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Some notes on this piece: You should safely assume my actual beliefs are the exact opposite of everything depicted above. I certainly encourage everyone to read all the aforementioned books to the small children in their orbit.
Except for the original Curious George, which is terrifyingly racist. I bought a copy at Target a few months ago, pages unseen. When I started reading it with my kids I was immediately like, “FFS, the man with the yellow hat just kidnapped George and told him he’d be happier living in captivity at the zoo. Do you guys think that’s okay? Me either. Okay, we’re never reading this POS again.”
Afterwards, I went down an internet rabbit hole to see if the original book had (rightfully) been canceled, and found this fascinating, distressing article.
Also, in addition to the whole “women are only useful as reproductive vessels” narrative, Richard Scarry delivers tons of racist garbage too. Gorilla Bananas as the town thief — Jesus F.
Try this: On my ever-expanding list of future story ideas, I’d planned to write a scathing takedown of LinkedIn titled, “We need to talk about LinkedIn.”
As with any good idea, however, there’s no arbitrage.
A hero of the internet created this Viral Post Generator to skewer the toxic positivity and techno-optimistic bullshit which LinkedIn’s algorithms have become notorious for promoting.
This thing is brilliant, and I highly recommend you play around with it. A few quick permutations produced this wonderfully inspirational missive:
Next week: I’m coming at you with two pieces!
On Friday, we’ll dive deep into my annual University of Michigan college football preview (don’t worry, it’s not actually about football).
And on Sunday, to celebrate Beyoncé’s birthday (and mine), I’m writing something almost heartwarming. Believe it when you see it.
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Well-placed use of FFS! I find this phrase to be among my favorites though, when applied in conversation with my wife, nearly always a disaster.
I'm dying. You should have a running column somewhere.