Big Chocolate goes to Washington

This holiday season, savor the delectable flavors of child slavery and deforestation

Hey Friends,

Welcome back to Field Research, the dark humor and satire publication written and produced by me,

Amran Gowani

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I’m placing today’s post in the “writers supporting writers” bucket.

Birgitte Rasine, Renaissance woman, novelist, AI whisperer, and author of The Muse, also happens to be a bona fide chocolate researcher, judge, and cacao fanatic. She just launched a second publication suitably called The Cacao Muse, and asked if I’d help spread the word.

I’m always game to assist a fellow creative in the profitless struggle. But, rather than embed a lifeless link nobody would click, I decided to do what I do best: swing my satirical sledgehammer, with extreme prejudice.

Fair warning: this piece is darker than a cocoa bean.

Package design by Meg Oolders.

Addressing Cocoa Production Challenges Using Free Market Principles

Full Committee Hearing, U.S. Senate Committee on Finance

Witnesses: Poul Weihrauch, President & CEO, Mars, Inc.; Dirk Van de Put, Chairman & CEO, Mondelēz International, Inc.

TRANSCRIPT

Ron Wyden [D-OR]: Committee will come to order. Thank you all for attending today’s session titled addressing cocoa production challenges using free market principles.

We’re pleased to have with us Mister Poul Weihrauch, President and CEO of Mars — gosh I love Peanut M&Ms — and Mister Dirk Van de Put, Chairman and CEO of Mondelēz, maker of those criminally underrated Toblerones.

Broadly speaking, this bipartisan committee supports economic growth, job creation, and is unabashedly pro-business. Nonetheless, the global chocolate industry is marred by a number of—one second. Who’s calling me? Sorry everyone, I need to take this. Phil! How are you? I’m well. I’m in the middle of committee. Hey Mike, can you take over?

Mike Crapo [R-ID]: Thank you, Mister Chairman. As Ranking Member of this committee, I’d like to begin by saying it’s an honor to have you distinguished executives with us today. You gentlemen might think you’re in the chocolate business, but you’re really in the happiness business. I can only imagine the immense pride you feel each and every day, knowing you’ve brought joy to millions around the world.

Weihrauch: Thank you, Senator.

Van de Put: Thank you, Senator.

Mike Crapo [R-ID]: With that said, I know my grandstanding colleagues from the Democratic side of the dais want to ruin everyone’s mood. Senator Warren, you have the floor.

Elizabeth Warren [D-MA]: Thank you, Ranking Member Crapo. Listen fellas, I’m not here to rain on your parade. I love a Snickers bar as much as the next gal. When I was little my Daddy used to buy me one every Friday after school—

Chuck Grassley [R-IA]: Liz, you’re seventy-four years old. Every time you talk about your “Daddy,” you lose what little credibility you have.

Elizabeth Warren [D-MA]: Chuck? Whoa! I thought you were dead. Ah well, any day now, right? Any takers on who checks out first: Chuck or Mitch? Anyone? Cowards. Ranking Member Crapo, I reclaim my time.

Now, as I was saying, Snickers are wonderful. But you know what’s not: deforestation. Figures from reputable NGOs and nonprofits reveal upwards of seventy percent of the world’s cocoa beans are grown in West Africa, primarily throughout Ivory Coast and Ghana. And according to a recent study, since nineteen-fifty, rampant deforestation driven by cocoa bean production has led to a shocking ninety percent reduction of forest cover in Ivory Coast, and an estimated sixty-five percent in Ghana.

Source: The Economist

Worse still, humanity’s insatiable appetite for cocoa beans — which has pushed the worldwide chocolate confectionery market to over one trillion dollars — has thrust production onto protected lands. This blatantly illegal activity has critically endangered biodiversity and led to the extinction of several local species, including chimpanzees and elephants.

If that wasn’t horrifying enough, this vicious cycle also exacerbates climate change by releasing additional greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, which will make growing and harvesting cocoa beans progressively more expensive and more labor intensive over time.

Listen fellas, aside from being obviously terrible for the planet, this deleterious feedback loop will dent your companies’ future cash flows. According to this pathetic blog I read by some washed up finance guy, cash flow means value. And value is how you soulless sycophants earn those multi-million-dollar bonuses, am I right?

Now, Messrs. Weihrauch and Van de Put, let me be crystal goddamned clear: these environmental disasters stem from your willingness to turn a blind eye to your broken supply chains, which fail to pay living wages to local farmers, and incentivize incremental deforestation over revitalizing existing farmlands.

Source: The Economist

Of course, don’t even get me started on the exploitative labor practices you’re all too happy to ignore, which include as many as two million child slaves in West Africa.

So, my questions to you illustrious captains of industry are: do you care, at all, about these abuses? And if so, what do you plan to do about them?

Weihrauch: Thank you for your passionate questions, Senator Warren. I’m proud to say Mars is committed to sustainable business practices. Optimizing our supply chain is one of our four core environmental objectives, along with reducing greenhouse gas emissions, eliminating excess packaging, and investing in regional farming communities.

Van de Put: I also want to thank you for your impassioned response, Senator Warren. I’m proud to say Mondelēz is committed to sustainable business practices. Optimizing our supply chain is one of our four key environmental objectives, along with reducing greenhouse gas emissions, eliminating excess packaging, and investing in regional farming communities.

Elizabeth Warren [D-MA]: Jesus tapdancing Christ. You fellas can save your empty platitudes and Chatbot-rehearsed talking points. What I really want to know is this: what — specifically — are you going to do about deforestation and child slavery in West Africa? Are you willing to sacrifice a fraction of your enormous profits to pay living wages to local cocoa bean farmers? Will you continue to disregard child trafficking and so-called “modern day” slavery? Or will you use the substantial resources at your disposal to do what’s right?

Mike Crapo [R-ID]: Thank you, Senator Warren. Your time is up.

Elizabeth Warren [D-MA]: Oh fuck off, Crapo.

Mike Crapo [R-ID]: Thank you, Senator Warren. We’ll now move on to Senator Johnson.

Elizabeth Warren [D-MA]: Cuck.

Source: Mighty Earth

Ron Johnson [R-WI]: Thank you, Ranking Member Crapo. I have two questions for Mister Van de Put. Sir, do you believe in God?

Van de Put: Thank you, Senator Johnson. Yes, Senator, I consider myself a devout Christian.

Ron Johnson [R-WI]: I could tell you were one of the good ones. My second question is: do you believe in the omniscient power of The Invisible Hand? Meaning, the wisdom of the market?

Van de Put: Yes I do, Senator.

Ron Johnson [R-WI]: Seems to me then, one might argue The Invisible Hand is God’s hand. Would you agree with that assessment, Mister Van de Put?

Van de Put: That’s certainly one possible interpretation.

Ron Johnson [R-WI]: Now, if we extrapolate that idea just a little farther, one might even conclude God wanted those forests cut down. And God wanted those children to work as slaves. Wouldn’t you agree?

Van de Put: I wouldn’t say I disagree, Senator.

Ron Johnson [R-WI]: Thank you, Mister Van de Put. Ranking Member Crapo, I cede my time.

Mike Crapo [R-ID]: Thank you, Senator Johnson. We’ll now move to Senator Blackburn.

Marsha Blackburn [R-TN]: Thank you, Ranking Member Crapo. And thank you gentlemen for running such outstanding, world-class businesses. There’s no higher calling than commerce, and you’re both doing the Lord’s work.

Like my esteemed colleague Senator Warren, I too would like to focus on this dreadful slavery issue. Frankly, I think everyone in this room will agree that slavery — in all its forms — is repugnant, and is morally reprehensible, and is a necessary evil, which multinational corporations require to compete in today’s interconnected and globalized economy.

Thom Tillis [R-NC]: Well said, Senator Blackburn.

Tim Scott [R-SC]: I wholeheartedly agree.

Elizabeth Warren [D-MA]: Oh for fuck’s sake.

Marsha Blackburn [R-TN]: Thank you, Senators Tillis and Scott.

All this slavery talk is so fixated on the negatives. Everyone’s so concerned about the ten-year-old who mutilates herself with a machete, and the twelve-year-old who never learns to read. But why not consider the smile on your child’s face when they take that first unforgettable bite of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup? Is there any bigger reward than seeing your kids happy?

By positively reframing this issue, we can thank those brave little savages for their noble sacrifice, rather than feel guilty about ourselves on Halloween. The woke mob wants us to feel ashamed. But is it really our fault The Good Lord chose us?

I cede my remaining time.

Mike Crapo [R-ID]: Thank you, Senator Blackburn, for shining a critical light on this underappreciated perspective. As we’re coming up on time, we’ll last hear from Senator Brown.

Sherrod Brown [D-OH]: Thank you, Ranking Member Crapo. I’m going to pretend that slavery discussion never happened and focus on my questions for Mister Weihrauch.

Mister Weihrauch, I’m holding a package of Twix in my hand. I used to buy these for my daughters, until my wife tossed me out. Eighty-seven was a tough year…

Anyway, as today’s discussion is supposed to be about cocoa production, I started wondering: why does this Twix label contain twenty-odd ingredients, none of which are simply cocoa?

I mean, what is cocoa butter? Is that the actual source of chocolate? What’s soy lecithin? And PGPR? What’s included in “artificial flavors?” I’m pretty sure palm oil and corn syrup don’t come from cocoa plants. Mister Weihrauch, what I’m asking is: when people eat a Twix bar, do they consume any actual chocolate?

Weihrauch: Thank you, Senator Brown. Twix bars are an amazing combination of crunchy cookie, delicious caramel, and creamy chocolate.

Sherrod Brown [D-OH]: How much cocoa is in a Twix bar, Mister Weihrauch?

Weihrauch: I’d have to confirm the precise amount with our R&D team, Senator.

Sherrod Brown [D-OH]: You’re cutting your heroin, aren’t you, Mister Weihrauch? Have either of you gentlemen seen The Wire? You know what happens to Stringer and Avon, right?

Ron Wyden [D-OR]: Excellent. Excellent. Thank you, Tim. Thank you, Phil. You bet. My fundraising team will keep an eye out. Hey, we’re still on for Colorado, right? Deion’s sure been ruffling a lot of feathers. I bet they will. Wonderful. See you then.

Okay, what did I miss? Wow, look at the time.

Messrs. Weihrauch and Van de Put, I want to thank you for attending today’s meeting. But before we conclude, here’s a little unsolicited advice from two legendary businessmen. If you keep making great products — like Air Jordans and iPhones — and just ignore the whole child slavery thing, eventually everyone will get bored and move on. Got it?

Alright, thank you everyone. Today’s meeting is officially adjourned.

Mike Crapo [R-ID]: There’s free Almond Joys and Hundred Grands in the hallway. Make sure to grab some on your way out.