Eight New Year’s resolutions you can keep

Time to get real about your lack of ambition

Every year, in tandem with the arbitrary turning of the Western calendar — a meaningless human construct — millions of people resolve to change their ways. Eat better. Lose weight. Learn a new skill. Live life to the fullest.

Not only does this approach inevitably end in futility, it’s an objectively pointless endeavor. Setting unrealistic goals — and failing — increases emotional and psychological distress and exacerbates intrinsic feelings of meaninglessness and despair. Lastly, it’s a monumental waste of time and effort.

So. Here’s a list of resolutions you definitely can — and should — achieve in 2022.

1. Read less

What has reading ever done for anybody? Seriously? Consider this: in 1914 everybody was reading, and we got Word War I. From 1933–1945 everyone was still reading and what did we get? World War II, plus atomic weapons. By 1955, half of American households had a television. Ever since? Global peace, economic prosperity, and good will toward men. Correlation? Causation? Who’s to say? But reading leads to violence, so don’t do it.

2. Double down on English

Learning a new language strengthens your brain, makes you more empathetic, helps you learn about different cultures, yadda, yadda, yadda whatever. I’ve dabbled in Japanese, Spanish, and German, speak none of them, and am better off for it. Everybody loves English because the Brits and Americans are the best. Plus, since English is the language of colonialism, doubling down on all of its intricacies is effectively the equivalent of transmogrifying into a cultured, worldly polyglot.

3. Run a scam

There is no shortage of options out there to enrich yourself at the expense of your fellow human. Become an entrepreneur this year!

Photo by Jackson Simmer on Unsplash

4. Spend more money

Piece of cake. Inflation is at forty-year highs. Everyone’s flush from the largesse of the government teat. And trickle-down economics unequivocally works. Make it rain!

5. Stop recycling

The only thing we in the United States truly manufacture at home and export around the world is trash. But why not keep those valuables at home? It could be the central tenet of Build Back Better. Even Joe Manchin could get on board with this. So, the next time you’re holding an empty can of Coca-Cola® Zero Sugar, ask yourself: Is it more environmentally friendly to put this on a tanker, ship it to Laos, and let a tiger cub choke to death on it? Or would it be greener to just toss it into one of your locally sourced landfills? The choice seems pretty clear.

6. Cut the tags off your clothes

I put on an old t-shirt the other day and then, seemingly possessed by the apparition of my greatest forebear, removed it and did the unthinkable: I cut off the tag. This singular act of defiance — this personal rebellion against the oppressive tyranny of the governmental leviathan — was pure liberty. A whole new world unfolded before my eyes. I didn’t have to live in squalor anymore. I could control my own destiny. Agency was mine. In 2022, it can be yours, too.

7. Get a COVID-19 booster shot

If you’re under five, and you haven’t been vaccinated against COVID-19 by now, you’re not ever going to get vaccinated against COVID-19. So, let’s not waste any breath asking you to be competent or reasonable. But if you have been vaccinated, get your booster shot. The evidence is clear that immunity wanes fast and the booster will keep your defenses frosty. And luckily, since you’ll probably need a booster every six months for the rest of your life, you’ll have two opportunities to check this off the list. Which is important because…

8. Contract COVID-19

…this is by far the easiest resolution for the upcoming year. Because we’re a nation of imbeciles, “critical thinkers,” cowards, sycophants, traitors, and losers, there is truly no hope. SARS-CoV-2 is smarter, stronger, tougher, and more disciplined. Fatalism is the only rational path forward. Godspeed.