General P. G. T. Beauregard Elementary School's 130th annual spelling bee!
General P. G. T. Beauregard Elementary School's 130th annual spelling bee!
The master race can spell too
Hey Friends,
Fair warning: This piece makes me extremely happy, which means it’s worse than normal.
Also, please see some additional updates and programming notes below the main story.
Enjoy!
Vice Principal Coulter: Good morning families! And welcome to the final round of General P. G. T. Beauregard Elementary School’s one-hundred-and-thirtieth annual spelling bee!
We’re so thrilled to have three outstanding finalists competing in today’s championship event, which will be moderated by our longtime Director of Education, Dr. Lee Jackson Longstreet.
Let’s meet the contestants.
First up, a warm welcome to Neha Mukherjee, the winner of her third grade class spelling bee, current defending PGTBE school champion, and last year’s state runner-up.
Next, I’m pleased to introduce newcomer Emily Rajamouli, who recently won her Kindergarten class spelling bee, and whose father Rupesh is a past Scripps National Spelling Bee champion.
And finally, say hello to fourth grader Ram Ramakrishna, winner of his class spelling bee, former Scripps National Spelling Bee finalist, and once again eligible to participate after a two-year PED ban. Welcome back, Ram.
I’ll now turn the floor over to Doctor Longstreet. Good luck everyone!
Dr. Longstreet: Welcome, finalists. I’m very pleased to see we’re down to two-and-a-half Indians this year. There may be hope for the future yet.
Alright, let’s begin with Emily. Spell the word mix, as in: It’s best when the races don’t mix.
Emily Rajamouli: Oh, that’s easy! Mix. M. I. X. Mix.
Dr. Longstreet: Correct. Alright, let’s pull on this thread a bit more. Ram, spell miscegenation. Miscegenation.
Ram Ramakrishna: Okay, I can do this. I don’t need Adderall. I can make Baba proud. Can you use it in a sentence please?
Dr. Longstreet: The repeal of anti-miscegenation laws has fueled the cultural, economic, and moral decay of this once great nation.
Ram Ramakrishna: Okay, I can do this. Baba just wants what’s best for me. Okay, here goes. Miscegenation. M. I. S. C. E. G. E. N. A. T. I. O. N. Miscegenation. Baba, I did it!
Dr. Longstreet: Correct. Just relax, Ram. No matter what happens today you’ll always be a disappointment in your father’s eyes. Better get used to it.
Alright, Neha, your word is replacement. Replacement.
Neha Mukherjee: Sentence please.
Dr. Longstreet: I challenge anyone to look at this stage and claim replacement theory isn’t real.
Neha Mukherjee: Replacement. R. E. P. L. A. C. E. M. E. N. T. Replacement.
Dr. Longstreet: Correct. And for the record, you accurately spelled the word replacement, and replacement theory is in fact the greatest threat facing western civilization today.
Alright, back to you, Emily. Your word is half, as in: You have a wholesome, superior half, and a defiled, inferior half.
Emily Rajamouli: Another easy one! Half. H. A. L. F. Half!
Dr. Longstreet: Very good.
Okay, Ram, your second word is labiovelar. Labiovelar.
Ram Ramakrishna: Baba never taught me this one! Okay, it’s fine. Just think. Think. Think. Th—
Dr. Longstreet: We don’t have all day, Ram.
Ram Ramakrishna: Sentence please!
Dr. Longstreet: If I was a groomer, I’d know what labiovelar meant.
Ram Ramakrishna: Not helpful. Okay. Labiovelar. Labiovelar. L. A. B. I. O. V. E. L. A. R. Labiovelar.
Dr. Longstreet: That’s correct.
Ram Ramakrishna: Yes! I did it, Baba!
Dr. Longstreet: Listen Ram, your father’s created unrealistic and unachievable expectations for you, which you’ll simply never meet. The sooner you accept that reality, the easier your life will be.
Alright Neha, let’s go with eugenics. Eugenics. And since I know you’ll ask, here’s a sentence for you: Because you people proliferate so quickly, eugenics needs to make a comeback.
Neha Mukherjee: Eugenics. E. U. G. E. N. I. C. S. Eugenics.
Dr. Longstreet: Very well.
Emily, please spell woke. Woke. For example: Woke ideology erroneously teaches children that chattel slavery existed, and was bad.
Emily Rajamouli: Wow — these are so easy! Woke. W. O. K. E. Woke.
Dr. Longstreet: Correct. Alright, let’s see. My weekly chapter meeting with the League of the South is an hour, so let’s pick up the pace.
Ram, spell cuckold. Cuckold.
Ram Ramakrishna: Is that even a word? I’ve never heard it before. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Language of origin please!
Dr. Longstreet: Middle English.
Ram Ramakrishna: Sentence please!
Dr. Longstreet: Marry well, or you too can end up a cuckold.
Ram Ramakrishna: Not helpful. Fine. Okay, Baba, I’ll do my best. Cuckold. C. U. C. K. H. O. L. D. Cuckold.
Dr. Longstreet: Ooh, I’m terribly sorry, Ram, but that’s incorrect.
You spelled the word meaning: “A concave shovel for cutting off the tempered clay coming from the pugmill in brickmaking.” We wanted you to spell the word meaning: “A strumpet whose abhorrent behavior debases her faithful husband.”
Guess you proved your dad right, Ram. You don’t have what it takes to be a champion. But don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll manage your own Dunkin’ Donuts one day.
Alright, now that Ram’s been eliminated let’s go back to Emily. Please spell white, as in: White is the purest color.
Emily Rajamouli: Five letters this time! Fun! White. W.H.I.T.E. White.
Dr. Longstreet: Excellent. Neha, your next word is wittol. Wittol.
Neha Mukherjee: Sentence please.
Dr. Longstreet: I may be a cuckold, but I was never a wittol.
Neha Mukherjee: Language of origin please.
Dr. Longstreet: Middle English.
Neha Mukherjee: Wittol. W. I. T. T. O. L. Wittol.
Dr. Longstreet: Fine, correct. Okay, time for the speed round. Emily, spell flag.
Emily Rajamouli: F. L. A. G.
Dr. Longstreet: Correct. Neha, spell prestidigitation.
Neha Mukherjee: P. R. E. S. T. I. D. I. G. I. T. A. T. I. O. N.
Dr. Longstreet: Correct. Emily, spell patriot.
Emily Rajamouli: P. A. T. R. I. O. T.
Dr. Longstreet: Correct. Neha, spell paraphernalia.
Neha Mukherjee: P. A. R. A. P. H. E. R. N. A. L. I. A.
Dr. Longstreet: Correct. Emily, spell country.
Emily Rajamouli: C. O. U. N. T. R. Y.
Dr. Longstreet: Correct. Okay, I’ve got it. Neha — since you’re so smart — spell Benghazi.
Neha Mukherjee: Repeat the word please.
Dr. Longstreet: Benghazi.
Neha Mukherjee: Can I have the language of origin please?
Dr. Longstreet: No, this is the speed round.
Neha Mukherjee: Isn’t that a proper noun?
Dr. Longstreet: Three seconds.
Neha Mukherjee: B. E. N. G. A. Z. I.
Dr. Longstreet: Incorrect! You didn’t expect that H to be in there did you?! Just like those patriots in Libya didn’t expect their own government to betray them!
Alright, Emily, if you spell this word correctly you’ll be our champion. Are you ready?
Your final word is dog.
Emily Rajamouli: D. O. G.
Dr. Longstreet: Correct!
Emily Rajamouli: Yay! Did I win?!
Dr. Longstreet: Your better half certainly did.
From the vault
If you’re interested in more debauched elementary school humor, check out this (paywalled) piece from last May.
Killer line: “I don’t have a culture because I don’t know who my dad is.”
And this book banning sendup from last August (not paywalled).
Killer line: “Children found in possession of these books on school property risk detention, expulsion, and/or forced marriage to a town elder.”
If it bleeds…
Tonight at ten p.m. I’m seeing Predator at Chicago’s legendary Music Box Theater. If you’re local, get your tickets here.
Twenty-twenty-three is peaking early.
Up next
I’m cooking up multiple ideas, so next Friday’s piece will be a surprise for all of us.
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Interested? You know what to do
: 👇👇👇Have a great weekend.
Amran
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My favorite in a while Amran! Bravo
I didn't laugh. But I learned some new words I wish didn't have to exist. 💜😕