How to stimulate the economy
How to stimulate the economy
Buy an old house, and make sure not to do your homework
T = -28.25 years:
Watch 1986 Tom Hanks classic The Money Pit as impressionable child. Vow never to buy a house.
T = 0.0 years:
Think about The Money Pit while closing on vintage condo in six-unit building constructed during the Gilded Age. Fail to execute proper due diligence.
T = 0.5 years:
Repair garage door. Stuff happens. No big deal. $210.
T = 0.75 years:
HOA special assessment. Something called tuckpointing (???). $390.
T = 1.0 years:
Slowly realize Homeowner’s Association is factionalized, fraught with internecine guerilla conflict, and chronically underfunded. Reassure ourselves that, “At least our unit was plug and play!” $0.
Building plumbing leak conveniently located behind bathroom in master bedroom. Punch three large holes in drywall. HOA to cover cost of repair ASAP. $0.
Discover all windows and rear deck door are sieves. Frantically paint all sills with silicone and Great Stuff. Blanket egress door with bubble wrap and plastic suit worn by Hannibal Lecter. $112.
T = 1.25 years:
Encounter first potential “minor” plumbing issue (kitchen sink collapse) discovered during home inspection. Wash dishes in bathroom sink for two days. Pay plumber whatever the fuck he wants. $497.
Gradually become fascinated with power tools, in particular saws. Purchase gateway power tool: cordless drill. $59.
Encounter follow-up plumbing issue related to aforementioned minor issue. Call same plumber. $198.
Go apeshit on houseplants and outdoor gardening. Circa $500 annually.
T = 1.5 years:
Does our private side deck seem wobbly and unstable to you? DIY repair — with new drill! $24.
Decide woodworking seems like a fun hobby. Buy hand saws, clamps, chisels, and drill accoutrement. $127.
HOA special assessment. More goddamned tuckpointing. $805.
Decide composting food scraps is a good thing for the environment. Build outdoor bin. $45.
T = 1.75 years:
Realize composting food scraps without worms is bullshit. Purchase composting worms and build new plastic bin system. $88.
Encounter second potential “minor” plumbing issue (S vs. P traps in downstairs bathroom) discovered during home inspection. Try a different plumber. $430.
OMG LOOK AT ALL THESE BLACK FRIDAY DEALS AT HOME DEPOT. $445.
T = 2 years:
Worm composting goes supernova. I want all the worms. Construct 55-gallon bin system. $126.
T = 2.25 years:
Realize woodworking with handsaws fucking blows. Good sale price on corded circular saw! $112.
T = 2.5 years:
Regret not buying miter saw. Purchase cordless impact driver. Same batteries! $79.
T = 2.75 years:
Realize the pinnacle of human technology is shelving. Build one in garage and another in storage room. $485.
T = 3.0 years:
CHRISTMAS CLEARANCE MOTHERFUCKERS. $124.
Go full Colonel Kurtz on miter saw research. Justify why perfectly functional corded circular saw is “suboptimal” because I can’t “be mobile” and “work wherever I need to.” Bundle new cordless circular saw and cordless miter saw into one excessive impulse buy. $712.
T = 3.25 years:
Determine that, “You know, cedar is a really nice aesthetic!” while lumber prices are at all-time highs. Build three cedar shelves and line all closets with cedar planks. $833.
Look around house and realize we have 22 indoor house plants. $471.
T = 3.5 years:
Father’s Day power tool extravaganza. 4.0 Ah battery two-pack! Cordless sander combo! Cordless Brad Nailer! Cordless tire inflator! Cordless reciprocating saw! Oh my! $355.
Notice bathroom window in master bedroom is moldy and decaying. Hire contractor to evaluate. Contractor spends two months using tape measure. Contractor orders window too late in season. Window manufacturer experiences production bottlenecks. THANKS COVID. Pay 50% deposit. $850.
Condo building’s shitty, unfunctional, barely kempt front yard is overrun with invasive species. Buy mattock, gloves, and garden supplies. Laud the days when men were men. Almost die removing first of eight bushels. Quit. $63.
FFS how much more goddamned tuckpointing does this building need? Gutter and downspout are fucked too? How much do we have in HOA reserves? Then why the fuck are you recommending another special assessment?! Threaten to kill multiple neighbors. $0.
Wood threshold to private deck is rotten AF. Replace with limestone slab. $692.
T = 3.75 years:
Stackable washer/dryer combo kicks the bucket. Realize it was 11 years old when we purchased. Probably should’ve asked about that before we closed. Research new ones. Best option is out of stock. THANKS COVID. $0.
Decide paying attention to my children is too taxing and unfulfilling. New flat-screen TV. $652.
Bathroom window arrives. Too cold to install. Ask contractor to install in spring. Contractor replies with unhinged rant about how pharmaceutical companies planned the COVID-19 pandemic. Expected: $850.
T = 4.0 years:
CHRISTMAS CLEARANCE MOTHERFUCKERS. $253.
HOA still hasn’t scheduled repair for drywall holes in bathroom. The one from three years ago. $0.
Jesus Christ why is it always so fucking cold in here?! Maybe we should get our fireplace fixed — another diligence oversight — this coming summer. Expected: $2,500-$5,500.
Washer/dryer combo is back in stock. $2,500 for a Miele with a 15-year life expectancy — not too bad. Actual bill, after taxes and being nickeled and dimed into oblivion: $3,101.
HOA monthly assessments increased +9.89%. Extra $500 per year until we move or die.
Downstairs thermostat reads 49 degrees Farenheit. Wonder why we moved from San Francisco to Chicago and flirt with absconding to…GODDAMNIT THIS ENTIRE FUCKING COUNTRY IS A CESSPOOL. Accept we’re stuck here and resign ourselves to freezing every winter until we’ve extinguished. $0.
Biannual HVAC service reveals our furnace has been dead for an indeterminant amount of time. Bad: Realize furnace was 18 years old when we purchased. Probably should’ve asked about that before we closed. Good: We didn’t have heat in fucking Chicago, when it was minus fucking five degrees Farenheit, and it was still 49 degrees Farenheit inside! We may live in a concrete hut, but goddamned if this old gal doesn’t have some good bones on her! $0.
Secure competitive bids from multiple HVAC vendors, something our HOA can’t seem to understand is a good business principle. Buy new furnace. $6,151.
Wonder — with abject horror — what new economic stimuli await. $∞.
You keep very good financial records. 🙂
The house we live in now was built in 1960 and lived in for about 30 years by the previous owner. They (by they, I mean the husband) did most of the "work" himself. My father/landlord has cursed him out about 300 times in the last 8 years. "Fucking Daigle," is his catch phrase. 😂 He did everything wonky. Or just badly. And of course, we "missed" all this feeling so giddy about finding a house LITERALLY next door to the school my husband works at. At least we've saved a lot on gas over the years.
I love The Money Pit. I just watched it the other day and thought of it yesterday when we were discussing rom coms. That's my kind for rom com. Where everything goes to shit for 85 minutes and then wraps with a wedding and the bad guy from Die Hard eye-banging a rock band back up dancer. 😂 I miss the 80s.