Improve neighborhood security -- help select our new private mercenary group!
Improve neighborhood security -- help select our new private mercenary group!
Extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures
Dear Lincoln Park Neighbors Association Members!
As you all know, a recent crime spree has unfortunately cast a pall over our once vibrant streets.
Just last year, felony assaults skyrocketed in our zip code +33% year-over-year (e.g., four incidents in 2021 vs. three in 2020), as did petty theft/larceny (+25%), disturbing the peace (+75%), automobile theft (+250%), carjackings (+700%), and loitering (+5%).
These horrific crimes have devastated our LPNA community.
For example, in December Karla, by the vacant lot on Burling, reported to CPD a snow shovel, sled, and pile of People magazines were stolen from her garage.
While it’s true she left the door wide open for an entire week during a ski trip to Vail, the sense of violation she felt upon returning home has left her suspicious, paranoid, and emotionally shattered.
Just last week, Fred, at the corner of Orchard and Arlington, had the rear passenger window of his Tesla smashed. His Breitling was also stolen.
Sure, a CPD investigation ultimately revealed little Tommy (Marty and Sue’s kid, on Wrightwood) broke the car window while playing baseball (Go Cubbies!). And, for some strange reason, the watch eventually turned up in Tina and Bill’s backyard over on Deming (maybe it fell out of the thief’s sagging pants during his escape???).
Irregardless, we’re all now living in a perpetual state of fear and panic.
And it’s getting worse every day.
Larry and Kim, on Geneva, said they’ve recently seen two “aggressive-looking” Black kids hanging around the neighborhood. Kim reached out to the DePaul Provost, Cindy, on Burling around the corner from Home Depot, and she confirmed they’re NOT on the basketball team.
Meanwhile, Scott and Linda, on Schubert by Trader Joe’s, said they’ve seen “an older Mexican guy in a hoodie” walking around the block in circles on several occasions. Linda’s sure he’s a sexual predator stalking for easy prey. He obviously doesn’t live around here because nobody knows who he is.
Frankly, the situation is dire. But don’t despair!
As you also know, to combat this devastating rise in violent crime, LPNA has taken swift and decisive action. We quickly organized a neighborhood security committee, contacted our Alderman’s office, tweeted mean things at Mayor Lightfoot and District Attorney Foxx, and liaised with CPD, CFD, DHS, and Chicago-based FBI agents, as well as personal contacts at the CIA, NSA, and multiple private defense contractors.
After months of due diligence and strategic evaluation, which included neighborhood reconnaissance, surveillance, and critical threat assessments, the board has determined retaining a private security firm will materially increase public safety for our members.
NOTE: Studies commissioned by private security firms have shown private security firms reduce neighborhood crimes rates by 60–70%, on average.
We reached out to 22 vendors and have narrowed the list down to three finalists.
Black Water Security Service: Bob, on Fullerton, was a college classmate of former Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, who put him in touch with founder Erik Prince, who put us in touch with the current management and organized a Zoom meeting with the board.
Pros: Very impressive, highly professional team! Black Water can supply two rotating three-man strike teams around the clock, equipped with M16A4 assault rifles, night-vision goggles, Kevlar armor, claymores, remote-controlled drones, and tactical nuclear weapons. Midwestern roots and values.
Cons: Expensive! Even with preferred new member discount, 24/7/365 coverage comes to $350K/year.
Elite Chechen Special Forces: You know the vintage house by St. Clement? Next to Jake and Andy on Deming? The one whose lights are never on? Turns out it was bought by an ex-Spetsnaz operative turned Gazprom exec with funds laundered out of Ukraine during the Yanukovych era. Well, that guy’s buddies with Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov, who’s very interested in expanding into the U.S. market.
Pros: Cost effective. Kadyrov quoted us at $165K annually. The team also specializes in urbanized warfare, counterterrorism, enhanced interrogation, and “liquidation” services.
Cons: Not very high-tech, sporting old school Kalashnikovs and RPGs. CONCERN: Kadyrov’s best soldiers are currently tied up in Ukraine. Failed assassination attempts on Zelensky suggest quality could be an issue.
Boss Man Tactical LLC: Tim, over on Drummond, is the former COO of this under-the-radar firm owned and operated by former State Speaker Mike Madigan.
Pros: Friendly team comprised mostly of former CPD officers. Unrivaled knowledge of Chicago market and local ordinances. Everyone loves Tim! Also gets us former employee discount.
Cons: Middle of the road on pricing. One year of non-stop coverage (with Tim’s coupon) is $225K. Operatives are worst equipped of the bunch, relying solely on Glock G17 9mm handguns, M4 tactical shotguns, and civilian-grade vehicles. Madigan embroiled in FBI witch hunt, which could make federal collaboration awkward.
We’ll be sending around a SurveyMonkey later today. Please vote for the service provider you believe best meets our community’s needs.
Please also indicate which level of funding you’re able to provide:
SILVER: $2,500-$4,999
GOLD: $5,000-$9,999
PLATINUM: $10,000-$14,999
DIAMOND: $15,000+
As a special bonus, DIAMOND sponsors will receive free LPNA t-shirts and attend a private dinner at Ditka’s with mercenaries from the winning vendor. More details soon!
Finally, if anyone would like to be a Security Team Captain, please email me directly.
Stay safe everyone!
Paul, at Arlington and Geneva, on behalf of the LPNA Board