One-sided conversations with unmedicated neighbors
One-sided conversations with unmedicated neighbors
Do I attract weird people, or am I the weird person?
WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON, VIA EMAIL:
Man: Hey Carl, I got a call from Marco the other day about installing our new bathroom window next week.
Unfortunately, I also just got word my son has to quarantine due to Covid exposure, and it’s supposed to be really cold the next few weeks, so we’ll need to reschedule the installation for another time.
Given the forecast and my kids’ schooling constantly being disrupted due to the never-ending pandemic, would it be possible to just hold off on installing the window for another month or so? Until it’s a warmer?
Carl: Ron, I understand completely. We have your window in the shop and will come out when you’re ready.
This craziness of the “pandemic” needs to stop sooner rather than later. I’ve had Covid three times, my wife twice — the mortality rate is less than 0.05%. I truly believe the big money pharmaceutical companies are behind this “never-ending” pandemic. The other day I was supposed to go to the doctor for my annual physical, and I told them I have a sinus/ear infection, and they told me that, because you’re sick — you can’t come to the doctor’s office — hospital policy. That’s the 1st time EVER I couldn’t go to the doctor BECAUSE I was sick. I have NEVER wanted to go to the doctor just to visit — and hang out!!!!!!!!!!
By the way, I’m sure you also know hospitals are inflating their Covid deaths because they get paid extra money by the government for doing so. Meanwhile, in the inner cities, more people are dying every day from violent crime than from Covid. Just last year twice as many people died from suicides than from Covid.
Sooner or later COMMON SENSE will win out.
Be safe, Carl.
Man: Thanks for your flexibility! We’ll circle back when the school/weather situation improves.
The whole world has gone insane…
Carl: Hey Rick, I agree with you 100%. Some of us have to try extra hard to keep things from going completely over the edge.
Be safe, Carl.
SATURDAY MORNING, SOCCER PRACTICE:
Mom 1: “Oh, hey! Anika just ran off with Harley.”
Mom 2: “Oh my God so good to see you Harley will be so thrilled by the way did you see that email about the coach?”
Mom 1: “Coach Pablo?”
Mom 2: “Yes! I can’t believe he’s just quitting out of the blue like this you don’t think there’s anything fishy going on, do you? Because he always seemed a little handsy to me — you know I saw him rubbing another girl’s knee one time — oh my God it sent chills down my spine! — you don’t think he’s a pervert, do you? I hope not but I’ve been teaching Harley about dangerous men since she was two — oh my God she was the only little girl at her daycare going around calling all the male teachers perverts — I had to tell her, ‘Listen Honey, not all men are perverts just most of them especially fraternity brothers and sketchy guys at bars and heads of authoritarian dictatorships,’ anyway how have you been?”
Mom 1: “Uh, fine. Surviving.”
Mom 2: “HAHAHAHAHA I know right! — oh my God this Ukraine thing is just so tragic I just can’t even imagine what those poor people are going through oh it just breaks my heart — and can you believe how awful and heartless that Putin is? I’ve been teaching Harley about the appeal of dangerous men — we watched Cape Fear together — she’s six you think she’s old enough right? — she’s sooooo smart and very mature for her age — anyway I said to her, ‘Sweetie, it’s true power can be sexy and getting close to power might seem intoxicating but it’s never worth it, even if you’re a precocious teenager and the sex is mind-blowing and, as foreplay, you get to order the execution of a nosy journalist together — oh my God what a rush! — because then the next thing you know your parents have disappeared and you’re fleeing the Balkans and oh my God I can’t believe I’m pregnant I thought he pulled out Jesus forgive me how am I going to raise a child alone in this God forsaken hellscape?’”
SUNDAY AFTERNOON, OUTSIDE TARGET:
Woman: “Oh sorry, excuse me.”
Homeless man: “Don’t touch me! Serpent cunt! WHORE! They’ll get you. They’ll get you all. Every last one of you MOTHER-FUCKERS!”
Woman: “It’s okay, Sweetie, let’s just keep walking. That man is sick.”
Homeless man: “I give the orders around here! I’m the accordion! KING OF VALHALLA!”
FRIDAY MORNING, NATURE MUSEUM:
Mom: “Look Sweetie, a bunny!”
Child: “Oh he’s so cute!”
Dad: “There’s a lot of rabbits around here. Seems like the population’s bouncing back.”
Stranger: “Been good for the coyote, that’s for sure.”
Child: “There’s a coyote here?”
Stranger: “Oh yeah, there’s coyotes all around this area. Come over here and check this out. You see that? It’s a rabbit head. Kind of looks like it’s just floating on the sidewalk, huh? And you see that thing right there? That’s a severed paw. See how the coyote ate all the flesh around the leg bones? He’s a thorough one.”
Child: “Is that bunny dead?”
Stranger: “Sure is. But that’s nature in action. Survival of the fittest. Circle of life and what not. Here, take a look at this photo I took a few weeks back. Pretty sweet, huh? I found the carcass right over there on the grass. Kinda looks like Hawkins’ remains after he got iced in Predator, don’t you think? I also saw a dead rabbit floating in the pond the other day. Let me just find the photo — ah, here it is. Not sure what happened to the poor little guy.”
Child: “Mommy, did that bunny drowned?”
Mom: “I think the bunny was probably just taking a bath, Honey. Let’s go see those pretty birds over there.”
Dad: “Uh, thanks. Enjoy the rest of your day.”
Stranger: “You too. It’s gorgeous out.”
Amran is a formerly talented and ambitious person turned father of two. He’s writing a novel you’ll never read. Follow him on Twitter.