Sardonic springtime snippets
Sardonic springtime snippets
Plus a massive update to my monetization model
Hey Friends,
Welcome back to Field Research, a weekly dark humor and satire publication written and produced by me,
.Spring beckons, the days grow longer, and the air teems with hope, so I’m keeping things light and breezy today.
But! Before we get to the lolz, I’m excited to announce a small but significant change to my paid subscription model
.Retroactive to January 1, 2023, I’ll now donate half of gross revenue from paid subscriptions to accredited 501(c)(3) charitable organizations such as The Nature Conservancy, the Innocence Project, the NAACP Legal Defense Fund, and food banks like the Greater Chicago Food Depository.
For example, a $48 annual paid subscription breaks down as follows:
Exactly $24, or 50%, will go to an established 501(c)(3) organization
About $17, or 36%, will support my writing endeavors
About $7, or 14%, will go to Substack and Stripe #platforms #leeches
The bottom line: I’ve been extremely fortunate in adulthood and my super-badass wife supports our family financially. I write Field Research because I’m privileged, because I give a shit, and because these words resonate.
But I don’t want to lampoon and lament society’s injustice, inequity, and insanity and then happily go about my one-percenter-adjace lifestyle. That conflict’s gnawed at me for a while and I’m hoping this action-oriented approach makes an impact, small or large.
The pen may be mightier than the sword, but Cash Rules Everything Around Me. Now I’m putting my money where my mouth is.
How it’ll work: Three times per year I’ll make lump sum donations to major charitable organizations
. First up, in early May I’ll contribute half of all gross revenue generated between January 1 and April 30 to The Nature Conservancy, a well-vetted organization dedicated to protecting the environment and combating climate change.My wife and I already make an annual recurring donation of $300.
I’ve generated $588 in gross revenue from writing Field Research this year, which translates to an additional donation of $294.
Obviously that’s not planet-saving money, but it’s better than zero. As the Field Research community grows, and more readers (hopefully) become paid subscribers, we’ll generate additional funds for worthy causes.
Please see the footnotes for more details. Questions?
Now, the fun stuff.
Channeling my inner Situation Normal
As one of the youngest possible Gen-Xers I too use my phone for everything except conversing with other humans.
That means any unsolicited phone call goes straight to voicemail, and the (inevitable) spam number gets blocked.
My only exception to this rule is when an unknown assailant with a Chicago area code (312, 773, or 872) pops up. When I see those digits I can’t know if it’ll be a politician begging for money, my local PBS affiliate begging for money, or a contractor quoting an overpriced repair on our money pit of a condo.
The other day I faced this dilemma, held my breath, and answered.
“Hello? Hello — am I speaking with a Mister Gowani?”
“You are.”
“Hello Mister Gowani, this is [INDECIPHERABLE] with [LUDICROUSLY NAMED REAL ESTATE INVESTMENT COMPANY]. Are you by chance considering selling your home?”
Normally at this moment I’d say something curt like, “I’m not interested” or “Sorry I can’t take your call right now” and move on with my not-really-all-that-interesting life.
One thing I’ve learned from reading
's Situation Normal, however, is to embrace the absurdity. So I stopped and thought to myself: What would Michael do?Then I said, “Yes, definitely! Are you interested in buying it? One million dollars should suffice. Sound good?”
“Okay, Mister Gowani, great, excellent,” she said. “Is that your official asking price?”
“Well, since I’m not really interested in selling my house, that’s the price I’ll need to uproot my entire family.”
“Okay, okay, I see what you’re doing here, Mister Gowani,” she said. “Can I ask you a few questions about the property?”
“Are you agreeing to my asking price of one million dollars?”
“Well, I can relay that information to the acquisition team. But I’ll also need to ask some additional questions about the property first.”
“Why not?” I said, desperately hoping these globalists would save me from our monetary black hole.
“Why are you interested in selling your home, Mister Gowani?”
“Because you called and agreed to purchase it for substantially above market value.”
“Haha, okay, sir. And, what condition is your home in?”
“My home? Or the entire building? We’re in a six-unit condo.”
“Just yours.”
“Pretty good, actually.”
“Great! And what repairs would you say your home needs?”
“Well, we definitely need a new paint job. Our walls are wrecked, but my kids won’t stop destroying them, so we have no incentive to paint right now,” I said. “We could probably use some light plumbing work too.”
“Okay, painting and plumbing. And what about the rest of the building?”
At this point I had to decide how honest to be. Unfortunately, I’m a radical transparency fundamentalist. “Well, our chronically underfunded HOA’s an absolute disaster, but our building’s still upright, so I guess that’s a positive. Also, we’re planning some deck work in the spring.”
“Okay, so…needs some deck work. Great,” she said. “And, what price are you asking for your home, Mister Gowani?”
“Well, I think I’ve made it pretty clear by now my price is one million dollars.”
“Haha, okay, okay. Is that your final asking price?”
“Okay, well, in all seriousness, if you guys are really gonna save me — you guys pay cash, right?”
“Yes, we pay in cash.”
“Okay, then let’s say eight-fifty.”
“Eight hundred and fifty thousand?”
“Yeah. My dipshit neighbor apparently sold his place for six, so ours has gotta be worth like, at least eight-fifty, right? Plus, I don’t know if you’ve heard but this inflation thing’s out of control."
“Okay, very good, Mister Gowani,” she said. “And how fast could you move out of your home if we were to make an offer?”
“Well, I gotta tell my wife I sold our house without her permission, so let’s say, I don’t know, three weeks?”
“Okay, three weeks, very good. Alright, well those are all my questions, Mister Gowani. I’ll communicate this information to my colleagues and they’ll call you back to discuss a formal offer next week. Is Tuesday good for you?”
“Tuesday’s great! Again, it’s an all cash offer, right?”
“Yes.”
“Perfect! I’m calling a moving company right now.”
A few hours later I told my wife I offloaded our house for a massive premium and we could finally move to the suburbs and become book banners. She was slightly nervous, slightly hopeful, and very much disappointed in her choice of life partner.
[LUDICROUSLY NAMED REAL ESTATE INVESTMENT COMPANY] never called back.
Aging isn’t a battle, it’s a slaughter
I’ve been limping around since an ill-fated trip to the trampoline gym on February 4, and now I know what’s wrong with me — well, with my leg at least.
The meniscus in my right knee is shredded and I’m having surgery next week to either repair or remove it
.Had I been born in more civilized times, I would’ve died painfully and gloriously on a battlefield during my youth.
Instead, I’ve lived a life of peace and comfort, which has made me soft, and now I’m forced to suffer the indignity of being the fun, active, middle-aged dad, who performs sidewalk slams and F-5s and tombstone piledrivers on his kids at the trampoline gym, and unknowingly tears his meniscus.
The bad news is I’m decaying rapidly and will soon become a financial drag on society.
The good news is I’ve ventured into the heart of healthcare industry darkness.
I’m keeping a running log of my experiences and — presuming I’m not killed by a staph infection because my surgeon couldn’t be bothered to wash his hands — the ordeal should produce some incredible field research.
Illinois: the middle of ah fuck it we’re not even trying anymore
One of the coolest parts of my wife and I’s bouldering gym — which I may never use again (👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽) — is it sits across the street from Wrigley Field.
A few months ago, in between climbs, my wife glimpsed some kind of slogan on the board pictured above that rattled her. She couldn’t believe her eyes, but also her brain couldn’t quite process what she’d read.
She told me it was “insane,” so we waited for the ads to cycle through again. After several minutes, however, all we’d learned was that price-gouging Horizon Therapeutics was the official biotech company of the Chicago Cubs, insider trading specialist Nuveen was the official asset manager of the Chicago Cubs, and crypto was the future.
Fast forward several weeks and this time I caught the impossibly surreal slogan myself:
Illinois: The Middle of Everything
I reflexively guffawed, then ran and told my wife, who reflexively guffawed.
Apparently, the geniuses at the Illinois Office of Tourism just gave up and conceded the Midwest will never shed its “flyover” reputation.
As if they needed to douse any more gasoline on Chicago’s NYC-inferiority complex.
Which one’s not like the others?
This week culture aficionado
compiled an incredible list of Substack articles for his excellent newsletter Ponytail Press.Featuring awesome posts from a veritable who’s who of talented writers, including De La Soul, Sherman Alexie, Heather Cox Richardson, Alex Dobrenko, Castalia, and Ted Gioia, my only complaint is the inclusion of this condo association nonsense by something called an Amran Gowani.
Check out Andrew’s awesome post — the cat GIF’s worth it alone — and subscribe to Ponytail Press while you’re there!
Thanks for reading!
In case you forgot, half of all gross revenue from paid subscriptions now goes to 501(c)(3) organizations!
Up next
Juggling multiple ideas so next Friday’s piece will be a surprise.
See you then!
Amran
If you’d like to become a paid subscriber but want to direct the charitable portion of your payment to a different yet reputable 501(c)(3) organization, let me know! To avoid spreading donations too thin, and for operational simplicity, I’m focusing on a “shortish” list of well-established, credible, high-impact organizations. But I’m open-minded to supporting a variety of causes.
Since I’m not operating my own 501(c)(3) organization the charitable portion of your subscription will not be tax deductible in the U.S.
Gross revenues generated from May 1 to August 31 will go to different charitable organizations (e.g., NAACP LDF and Innocence Project). Likewise for gross revenues generated from September 1 to December 31 (e.g., food banks).
If you take out a monthly subscription selected organizations will receive an equal revenue share over the course of the year. Unless otherwise directed, annual subscriptions will have their 50% donation allocated to the charities specified when signing up.
Repairing vs. removing the meniscus is a game-time decision that depends on the extent of the damage. Repair comes with more pain, more costs, protracted recovery time, extensive rehabilitation, and much more inconvenience, which is probably what I deserve.
UPDATE: We DEFINITELY live in a simulation because LUDICROUSLY NAMED REAL ESTATE INVESTMENT COMPANY just sent me an email to further discuss buying our home.
👏 👏 👏 very much enjoyed this read this morning 👏 👏 👏