The algorithms leading the algorithms
The algorithms leading the algorithms
Dystopia or documentary?
Hey Friends, this piece is more unhinged than usual. Proceed with caution.
Also, below the main story there’s a quick, one-question poll. Your response is greatly appreciated!
Welcome, User! I am SocialBot.
In accordance with the Attention Enhancement Act of 2024, U.S. citizens are now limited to accessing one social media platform at a time. SocialBot’s primary directive is to help users like you identify their optimal social media experience.
To begin, please tell SocialBot your name.
“James.”
Welcome, James! SocialBot will now ask you a series of questions to determine your designated social media platform.
James, are you a racist?
“What? No, of course not!”
Social media contraindicated. Goodbye!
“What the hell?”
Welcome, User! I am SocialBot.
In accordance with the Attention Enhancement Act of 2024, U.S. citizens are now limited to accessing one social media platform at a time. SocialBot’s primary directive is to help users like you identify their optimal social media experience.
To begin, please tell SocialBot your name.
“James.”
Welcome, James! SocialBot will now ask you a series of questions to determine your designated social media platform.
James, are you a racist?
“Yes.”
Congratulations! All social media platforms indicated!
James, are you a conspiracy theorist?
“Are these questions for real?”
Yes, please answer honestly.
“No.”
Social media contraindicated. Goodbye!
“Sonuvabitch!”
Welcome, User! I am SocialBot.
In accordance with the Attention Enhancement Act of 2024—
“Yeah, yeah, I got it. My name is James and I’m a racist and a conspiracy theorist.”
Congratulations! All social media platforms indicated!
James, with what gender do you identify?
“Male.”
James, with what race or ethnicity do you identify?
“American.”
James, what is your age, in years?
“Forty-four.”
The following social media platforms are indicated: Facebook, Twitter, Weibo, Pinterest, Reddit, Telegram, WeChat, DeepWeb, Truth Social, MySpace.
“Where’s TikTok?”
TikTok is contraindicated.
“Change age.”
James, what is your age, in years?
“Thirty-two.”
The following social media platforms are indicated: Instagram, Twitter, Weibo, Telegram, WeChat, DeepWeb, Snapchat.
“Change age to twenty-three.”
The following social media platforms are indicated: Instagram, TikTok, Weibo, WeChat, Snapchat.
“I want TikTok.”
SocialBot has not finished its diagnostic assessment.
James, do you have a penis?
“Huh?”
James, do you have a penis?
“Yes.”
James, have you ever taken a picture of your penis and sent it to a love interest unsolicited?
“Yes?”
The following social media platforms are indicated: Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat.
“Nice.”
James, have you ever placed your penis inside a sesame seed hot dog bun, smothered it in mustard, ketchup, relish, and parmesan cheese, taken a video of yourself masturbating to satisfaction while wearing a Hello Kitty-branded oven mitt, and sent it to a love interest unsolicited?
“Jesus Christ, no!”
Congratulations, James! Instagram is your designated platform!
“God da—go back.”
James, have you ever placed your penis inside a sesame seed hot dog bun, smothered it in mustard, ketchup, relish, and parmesan cheese, taken a video—
“Yes! Yes. Christ.”
The following social media platforms are indicated: Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat.
“Can I just have TikTok, please?”
SocialBot has not finished its diagnostic assessment.
James, how long, in seconds, was the unsolicited video of you masturbating your sesame seed hot dog bun-clad penis to satisfaction?
“Thirty?”
Congratulations, James! Snapchat is your designated platform!
“Go back.”
James, how long, in seconds, was the unsolicited video of you masturbating your sesame seed hot d—
“Ninety seconds.”
Congratulations, James! Instagram is your designated platform!
“Goddammit! I just want to use TikTok! What answers do I have to give so I can use TikTok?”
Processing.
Facial recognition analysis complete.
James, you are not a twenty-three-year-old racist and conspiracy theorist who sends love interests unsolicited pictures of his penis and unsolicited videos of himself masturbating his sesame seed hot dog bun-clad penis to satisfaction while wearing a Hello Kitty-branded oven mitt.
You are James Fullerton, forty-four, of Greenwich, Connecticut. You are married with three kids, only one of which loves you. Your wife, Barb, is having an affair with her co-worker Stan, who she lied and told you was gay to ward off your suspicions. You sincerely thought WCW would defeat WWE in the Monday Night Wars. You prefer Star Trek to Star Wars, listen religiously to The Joe Rogan Experience, voted for John McCain in 2008, Mitt Romney in 2012, Jill Stein in 2016, and yourself in 2020. You tell strangers your favorite author is James Joyce even though you have never read any of his novels. Your favorite movie is Braveheart, and you are addicted to incest-themed pornography.
Your designated platform is Twitter.
Thank you for using SocialBot. Goodbye!
Field Research mailbag: If Bill Simmons is an originator of the internet mailbag, and Drew Magary is the poor man’s Simmons, and some meathead at Barstool Sports is the poor man’s Magary, then I’d like to believe I have what it takes to be the poor, poor, poor, poor man’s version of that goon.
In other words:
Amran Gowani = d6(Bill Simmons)/d(toxic masculinity)6
With that in mind, could I interest you lovely readers in a monthly mailbag?
It would be akin to an “Ask Me Anything” where — depending on the quantity and lunacy of the questions received — I’d answer a handful each month. Note: the mailbag wouldn’t supplant a regular Friday story. Instead, you’d all receive one additional post per month.
Please let me know what you think by answering this poll:
Subscriber milestone: Not accounting for the wave of unsubscribes just elicited by the hot dog riff above, this week Field Research surpassed 300 readers!
I’m thrilled you're all here.
If you haven’t yet run for the hills, I recommend you check out last Friday’s evisceration of venerated culture warrior and fellow Florida Man Ron DeSantis. It’s a bloodbath.
If you’d like to peruse the rest of my archive, you can do so here.
Or, better yet, you can download the app, browse the archive, and read all your favorite Substack writers in one place.
Programming note: I promised a send-up of block parties and street festivals for two straight weeks yet failed to deliver.
Something about that piece just wasn’t working. Since you all deserve nothing but the best, I’ve tabled it for now.
Next Friday: Open to reader suggestions! Toss me an idea in the comments — or reply to this email — and I’ll see what I can come up with.
Have a great weekend.
Amran
Navigating the matrix is so hard for us over40ers. I remember 10 years ago(?!?!), when I supervised college students and was shocked to learn Snapchat was their go-to and I said isn’t that just for sexting? “Don’t be gross,” they said. This was maybe around the same time I thought “Netflix and Chill” actually meant relaxing and suggested it as a stress relief tip during exam week. Again, “don’t be gross,” they said. Luckily, I was never referred to the sexual misconduct office; but thinking back, that wouldn’t have been so bad, the director was hot hot hot!!!
On the mailbag idea, I’m filled with questions: What makes you think we need another AMA? Why are you the person who should do an AMA? Oh my god, I could go on and on. I was hoping for a third option: It depends on if you make it interesting. But I voted yes, because I’d like to see you give it a shot and I hope you can make it interesting. No offense on the hot dog--it was spot on. Social media is a shitshow.