Dear World Economic Forum 2023 Attendee,
Congratulations!
You’re cordially invited to attend Day Six of this year’s Davos Extravaganza! This secretive, ultra-exclusive experience is specially reserved for the “elite of the elite.”
This year fellow Day Six invitees include Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, Wagner Group Managing Director Yevgeny Prigozhin, Chechen Warlord Ramzan Kadyrov, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, and retired Duke Men’s Basketball Coach Mike Krzyzewski.
Festivities begin tomorrow at 9:30 a.m. sharp.
To participate in this prestigious, highly selective program, please have your security entourage escort you to the Chronometrie Stäuble Davos AG watchmaker located at Promenade 71.
Next, show the following QR Code to any Blackwater Security member wielding a gold-plated Heckler & Koch MP5.
Our team will then chauffeur you to our private airfield, where a Sikorsky SB>1 will transport you to our private headquarters, which are comfortably nestled inside an inactive volcano.
Once on site you’ll have ample opportunities to rub shoulders with the globe’s true power brokers, including Davos mainstays George Soros, hedge fund extraordinaire, and Tom Hanks, Executive Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Deep State Holdings LLC.
Other exciting activities will include manipulating and cornering the global commodity market of your choice, laundering the wealth of a war-torn Sub-Saharan African nation, bribing government officials in a geopolitical sphere of interest, and purchasing forgotten children to staff your organization’s worldwide manufacturing facilities.
When you’re not networking or grotesquely enriching yourself at the expense of millions, make sure to visit our amphitheater, where the world’s leading thinkers will present and discuss bold, revolutionary new ideas.
This year’s keynotes include:
Disruptive Innovations in Money Laundering and Sanctions Busting
In this moving, poignant confessional, industrialist Roman Abramovich will recount the heavy personal toll sanctions have taken on his life, including how European, British, and Canadian fascists seized his mega-yachts and exotic sports cars and forced him to sell the Chelsea Football Club, his favorite plaything.
But fear not. This story has a happy ending, as Roman clandestinely transferred beneficial ownership of billions of dollars of assets to his children via the use of offshore private trusts. Learn how he preserved his legacy in this must-see seminar.
Total War, Total Profit
In this masterclass presentation showcasing the dynamism of market-based capitalism, Northrup Grumman Chairman, Chief Executive Officer, and President Kathy Warden lays out her vision for how total war will drive limitless shareholder value.
She’ll also describe how coercive government lobbying turned the just passed $858 billion defense bill into a pork-filled bonanza for Northrup’s investors. Make sure your assistants take notes!
Bad Faith Contrarianism as Critical Thinking
This gripping fireside chat between Aaron Rodgers and Stephen Miller will teach attendees how to leverage their natural contrarianism and refashion themselves as critical thinkers.
Growing up in liberal Californian locales made it nigh impossible for these imminently average, insecure douchebags to stand out, so they decided to achieve fame by becoming total dicks. Don’t miss their inspiring stories of perseverance.
How to Weaponize Woke
Entrepreneur, political analyst, and best-selling author Vivek Ramaswamy will show you how to dissect, refute, and weaponize radical leftist constructs like equity, equality, and fairness.
When Vivek doesn’t like an idea, but doesn’t have a good counterargument, he whips out the word “woke” to trigger the libs, gain social media followers, and sell books as fraudulently useless as the companies he founded. You can too.
The Case for Slavery
Inflation. Overpopulation. Natural resource constraints. Food insecurity. These are the superficial problems facing humanity. The deeper issue is agency.
In this groundbreaking presentation author, podcaster, and public speaker Malcolm Gladwell will compellingly and cogently argue for a return to chattel slavery.
“Billions of indigenous South Americans, Africans, and Asians simply lack the fortitude, tenacity, and chutzpah required to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and out of poverty,” Gladwell explains. “Securitizing large swaths of humanity will fill bellies, provide purpose, and ensure civilization continues to thrive.”
Fuck You and This Godforsaken Planet
Environmentalist, author, filmmaker, veteran, Nobel Laureate, and former U.S. Vice President Al Gore has had a change of heart.
In this shocking testimonial he’ll examine individualism’s unequivocal triumph over collectivism, and discuss why — at seventy-four years old — he joined Saudi Aramco’s board, invested half his fortune in Red Bull Racing, and is choosing to “live like there’s no tomorrow.”
Exclusive Tasting Menu at Noma
Following the seminars, Day Six attendees will fly roundtrip to Copenhagen on Jeff Bezos’ Moonraker and experience an exclusive tasting menu at Noma, the world’s greatest restaurant.
Be sure to snap a picture with legendary chef René Redzepi, a Day Six staple and presenter of last year’s memorable keynote, “Paying with Prestige: Tips and Tricks for Suppressing Wages.”
The Hunt
Finally, as is tradition, Day Six festivities will conclude with the 52nd annual staging of “The Hunt.”
We’re honored to announce this year’s expedition will commemorate the thirtieth anniversary of the John Woo classic Hard Target!
To pay homage to the influential film our talented event-planning staff have transformed the idyllic, sparsely populated Swiss town of Splügen into a full-scale re-creation of New Orleans’ French Quarter.
Hunters will select the projectile weapon of their choice from a world-class arsenal including pistols, shotguns, submachine guns, assault rifles, and — for the eco-conscious — crossbows.
Four of Splügen’s homeless residents have already agreed to participate as “runners,” while Russian President Vladimir Putin has graciously supplied a dozen discredited journalists.
To prevent any unfortunate mishaps from occurring during the competition, runners will be handcuffed and have three pints of blood drained in advance of the event. Runner blood will also be available for purchase upon the conclusion of The Hunt. It’s sure to make your favorite mistress’s skin glisten!
Once again, congratulations on being chosen to participate in this year’s exciting Day Six program!
Yours in globalism,
Elsa von Trapp, Executive Assistant to Mr. Klaus Schwab
P.S. A quick note on health and safety protocols
Epidemiological evidence overwhelmingly suggests only poor people die from infectious diseases such as Covid-19, RSV, and influenza.
No health and safety precautions will thus be required.