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When money flows in a circle, everyone gets rich

Hey Friends,

Welcome back to Field Research, a weekly dark humor and satire publication written and produced by me,

Amran Gowani

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This week I’m viciously and ravenously gnawing off the hand that feeds me. It’s ill-advised, but I have a problem with authority, revile schemers, and know in my bones the Gods crafted me to call bullshit when I see it.

This post will be a lot funnier/sadder and make you much angrier — at me, at Substack, at the universe, you pick — if you read or skim this first:

Own a piece of Substack

Hopefully by now I’ve earned your trust and you’ll appreciate where I’m coming from with this piece. Below the main story I’ve provided additional context and commentary.

As always, I’m game to field questions and hot takes in the comments.

Enjoy!

(Maybe.)

Dear Prospective Shareholder,

Field Research is decimating legacy media institutions, circumventing gatekeepers, and redefining the possibilities for human culture.

Field Research isn’t just a dark humor and satire newsletter read by 0.0000057% of humanity.

It’s a dark humor and satire newsletter read by 0.0000057% of humanity, which makes almost no money, runs afoul of good taste and routinely borders on the offensive, is written by an ethnically ambiguous middle-aged rando, who appropriates other cultures because his dad abandoned him and he’s de facto trailer trash, delivers a straight 🔥🔥🔥 55% email open rate, has absolutely zero chance of generating enough revenue to become profitable or self-sustaining, and relies entirely on the financial and emotional largesse of the lead writer’s superior-in-all-ways spouse.

Also, Field Research donates 50% of its miniscule revenue to accredited, high-impact, 501(c)(3) charitable organizations, which is legit dope as hell.

And that’s why we at Field Research are thrilled to offer you the chance to become a private investor in our unstoppable media juggernaut!

With your timely and precious investment Field Research will (stave off bankruptcy for a few extra months) continue to push the boundaries of what’s possible online while (platforming Nazis, white nationalists, and conspiracy theorists) reinvigorating intellectual discourse and reclaiming the culture from inscrutable algorithms and mercurial oligarchs.

All you need to do is give Field Research at least $100 — though preferably $2,200. Then, simply create and monetize a subsidiary Field Research publication, which sends 10% of your revenue back to the parent Field Research publication, and creates a virtuous cash cycle. Pro tip: the (circular-reference-error-inspired scheme) monetization model works best when subsidiary Field Research publications pay each other, because then the money flows back and forth and the OG Field Research takes a 10% cut in all directions.

From there, the next best way to grow (our) your revenue is to recruit other writers to Field Research, have them create additional subsidiary Field Research publications, and then likewise pass money back and forth with each other. Remember: the parent Field Research publication only makes money when the subsidiary Field Research publications do, except when the money flows in a circle and the subsidiary Field Research publications are asked to “invest” in the parent Field Research publication, which happens to be hemorrhaging cash. In that case, nobody makes money.

But never mind all that! Because when you’re an investor and a creator in the Field Research community, everyone’s incentives are aligned, and everyone gets rich together. Spiritually, not financially.

Of course, with all that said, we want to make it crystal clear that investing is risky (especially in opaque, privately managed companies who fail to disclose audited financials and make emotional appeals to unsavvy creators-cum-investors amidst a challenging VC backdrop). And while we (desperately need your money) would love to bring you into the fold as a proud partner and shareholder, we want to ensure you’re fully aware of the risks and opportunities inherent in buying (illiquid and untradeable) private shares (that only donkeys would be caught dead purchasing at the Series B valuation).

That’s why, in the name of transparency, we created the handy FAQ below to help you make an informed investment decision.

Bottom line: there’s never been a more exciting time to join the Field Research revolution! We’re looking forward to making magic together for at least one more year, at which point we expect to run out of money.

Best regards,

Amran Gowani

Founder, Executive Chairman, Chief Executive Officer, Chief Financial Officer, Chief Operating Officer, Chief Commercial Officer, Chief Technology Officer, Chief Risk Officer, Chief Compliance Officer, President, General Counsel

Field Research Enterprises LLC, Macedonia

MANDATORY BOILERPLATE FOR REGULATORY COMPLIANCE

This entire pitch is obviously a scam! Run!

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Question: Is this, like, a donation, or a legitimate private investment?

Answer: We’ll disclose that information in the extremely difficult to find footnotes of an extremely difficult to locate SEC filing at an extremely unspecified future date.

Question: What kind of return on my investment should I expect?

Answer: Nobody can predict the future, but given the cash flow situation we’re too embarrassed to disclose, and which our VCs are distancing themselves from, you should safely assume you’ll never see your money again. In other words, minus one hundred percent.

Question: Will my shares include voting rights?

Answer: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Question: What happens to my money if Field Research goes bankrupt?

Answer: You mean when Field Research goes bankrupt?

Question: Is this some kind of multi-level marketing scam?

Answer: Sort of, maybe? We’re not actually sure how it works, though it’s definitely a scam.

Question: Does the fact that you’re begging your creators and users for money indicate your entire business model is structurally flawed?

Answer: Yes.

Question: So, you’re an online business, built to help online creators monetize their own online businesses, which itself has a structurally flawed online business model? Does that strike you as ironic?

Answer: Irony is such a complicated idea.

Question: Why aren’t you continuing to seek investment from traditional VCs?

Answer: We are, but they’re too conservative and close-minded to realize the vision and disruptive potential of Field Research. Everyone knows VCs are risk-averse and don’t like pumping money into moonshot companies with big ideas and lofty ideals and enormous profit potential. That’s why crypto never took off.

Question: How did you arrive at Field Research’s pre-money valuation of $585 million in 2021?

Answer: Back in the good old days — when monetary policy was loose and World War III was still a Bill Kristol fever dream — the geniuses at Andreessen Horowitz were high on their NFT supply and decided to value Field Research at more than 40x forward sales. For reference, 40x forward sales is approximately 2x Irrational Exuberance.

Question: Why do you think it’s reasonable or ethical to seek monetary “pledges” from non-accredited investors without providing a full investment prospectus including, but not limited to, audited financial statements and detailed future financial projections?

Answer: Because, no matter how much you may or may not enjoy the Field Research product, investing in the Field Research company is almost certainly a terrible idea. This is evidenced by our own VCs wanting nothing to do with us at the valuation we’re pitching to you duncecaps. What we’re trying to say is: the less you know, the better.

Question: Is Field Research planning a future IPO?

Answer: Despite the legendary ratfuckery of Wall Street, even the shadiest investment bank would find it nigh impossible to dupe institutional investors into buying publicly traded shares in Field Research, especially at our most recent private valuation.

Question: Is that a no?

Answer: A company typically has to remain a going concern to float its shares on a public stock exchange.

Question: So, is that a no?

Answer: You should consult a Magic 8 Ball.

Question: Okay, I’ll take that as a no. So, if Field Research doesn’t go public, how will it create a so-called liquidity event?

Answer: Elon Musk will eventually buy a majority stake in Field Research for a ludicrous sum in the billions. You’ll receive a multiple million percent return on your investment, but since he’ll only buy from accredited investors your shares will remain illiquid and you won’t be able to cash out. After the Incel King bankrupts Field Research your stock will return to its natural equilibrium price of $0.00/share.

Why did I go thermonuclear on Substack?

Look, let me state up front that I love using Substack, want the company to succeed, and recognize the power of its platform. The network effects alone have changed the trajectory of my writing career. I’ve made fantastic connections, incredible friends, and pushed my creative capabilities to new heights.

Even the seedier sides of Substack don’t bother me.

I don’t expect management to regulate speech on the platform because that’s impossible. In fact, I’m glad they don’t. Like in Inglourious Basterds, I prefer my Nazis branded and out in the open, where I can see them.

Paying big advances to celebrities doesn’t concern me either. I’m bummed a nobody like me has to compete with Ann Coulter and her virulent nonsense, but I can’t begrudge Substack for trying to make money.

In fact, I think Substack taking a 10% cut of gross revenue is more than fair¹. They provide the tools and infrastructure for (most) people to create brilliant work with intrinsic cultural and societal value.

The gist of this piece, and why I’m so disappointed with Substack management, centers on their lack of transparency and the predatory nature of their “pitch.”

They know writers love this platform (I do) and want to support it, and they know most people are bad at math and financially illiterate. Substack is exploiting their own base of creators with an appeal to the company’s mission without providing the cold hard calculus and fundamentals that underlie the business.

That’s cynical, full stop.

Obviously, I don’t know Substack’s financial condition because they didn’t share it.

But all signs point to Tuesday’s announcement being much more “Hey, we’re almost out of cash, want to pitch in?” rather than “We’re a rock solid business, in stable financial condition, which passionately supports creators, and we want everyone to have an opportunity to reap the future rewards together.”

I hope the latter’s true².

If Substack had just come correct with the requisite information I would’ve been much more excited to take a look, and might’ve even ponied up. In fact, had Substack flat out said, “WE’RE BROKE HELP” I might’ve also “invested.” Unfortunately they didn’t, so I didn’t.

Instead, everything about Substack’s messaging triggered my Spidey-sense³, which compelled me to raise the red flags for my friends and fellow writers.

Clearly, I could be wrong. Perhaps the deal’s as good as advertised. If it is, I’ll happily congratulate everyone when they’re rich.

When it comes to money matters, skepticism pays.

Breathe the disinformation-free air

In happier news, I deleted my Twitter account just in time for the next insurrection.

1. Don’t be surprised if Substack increases its “take” to improve cash flow and long-term viability.

2. Broadly speaking, I support “regular people” buying or receiving equity, as it would go a long way toward reducing income inequality and distributing wealth more fairly.

3. I’ve worked at an investment bank, taken private companies public, watched a speculative M&A bubble burst, dined with future felons, and analyzed venture capital investment trends.