Hey Friends,
Welcome to Field Research, the humor and satire newsletter written and produced by me, Amran Gowani.
I’m a mad scientist turned corporate mercenary turned semi-competent stay-at-home-dad and author. My debut novel Leverage — a propulsive, darkly hilarious Wall Street thriller — will be published by Atria Books, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, in Summer 2025.
This publication is my personal playground, where I pen an eclectic mix of humor essays, topical satire, flash fiction, parenting riffs, gonzo journalism, and whatever else catches my fancy.
In today’s post I’m celebrating Beyoncé’s forty-third birthday — and my forty-fourth — by unveiling Field Research’s Forty-Four Rules for Life1.
Enjoy the show.
Forty-Four Rules for Life
1. Never buy a condo.
2. If you must be an asshole, be a productive asshole. The kind of asshole who solves, rather than creates, problems for society.
3. Resist simple narratives and don’t be reductive. Life’s big issues are multivariate and require nuanced, dynamic thinking.
4. Create pieces of art you love, then let “the market” worry about whether they’re good, bad, or ugly.
5. Stand up to bullies. For yourself, and for those who can’t.
6. That thing you want more than anything in this world? FFS don’t wait around for permission — go get it.
7. Everything experiences diminishing returns; ergo, everything in moderation.
8. Be a serious person, but don’t take yourself too seriously.
9. Biking > Walking >>> Driving.
10. Prioritize friends and family over bosses and employers. The former don’t have fiduciary duties, and might even give a shit about you.
11. Don’t be a hypocrite — there’s nothing worse than a hypocrite.
12. Never get out of the boat…unless you’re going all the way.
13. Learn the difference between politics and policy.
14. Identify your fears, treat them with respect, and overcome them.
15. Follow through on your commitments.
16. Always choose a great movie over a great TV show.
17. Avoid overanalyzing other people’s behavior. They have their own shit to worry about, and they aren’t thinking about you anywhere near as much as you are thinking about you.
18. Never cheap it out on shoes or mattresses.
19. For every minute you waste on social media, spend ten biking, running, jogging, walking, lifting weights, reading, writing, masturbating, cleaning, gardening, woodworking, boning — anything more productive.
20. Surround yourself with the smartest, strongest, savviest people you can find.
21. When you feel the urge to buy something, ask yourself what you really want, and whether it can be purchased.
22. Visit and patronize your public library as often as possible.
23. Approach every problem with toughness, kindness, and fairness in mind2.
24. Go to therapy. You’ll benefit, and so will everyone around you.
25. Brush and floss twice per day. Related: Wear sunscreen.
26. Don’t dish it unless you can take it.
27. Listen to music instead of podcasts — your brain, body, and soul will thank you.
28. Always secure two or more quotes from contractors and vendors. Pro tip: Hire plumbers for plumbing work and electricians for electrical work.
29. When caught conversing with kooks, quacks, and conspiracy theorists, just smile, and say: “Huh. I never realized the government, which Dear Leader Reagan said was bloated, incompetent, useless, inefficient, and chock-full of total dipshits, could orchestrate such a sophisticated, clandestine, globe-spanning operation.”
30. When you make a mistake, make amends3.
31. Purchase and read a handful of novels every year. Pro tip: Life’s too short to spend on books you hate4.
32. Don’t overprotect or infantilize your kids. Teach them about the world, respect them as individuals, and watch them amaze you.
33. Don’t make rash decisions and trust your gut.
34. Remember: Hatemongers hate themselves, and fearmongers fear progress.
35. Time and money are artificial constructs, but only the former is finite. Value them accordingly.
36. Procure your “news” from three fact-checked sources: The Economist, The Financial Times, and The New Yorker.
37. Factor entropy into your grand designs.
38. Talk to your loved ones on the phone. It’s old-fashioned, and inconvenient, and by far the best alternative to hanging IRL.
39. Don’t forget: No one on their deathbed wishes they’d worked more.
40. Give everybody a second chance. Give nobody a third.
41. Be grateful, but never settle.
42. Don’t melt down at your kids’ sporting events. They’re supposed to be having fun, and you’re supposed to be a grown-up.
43. Adhere to your principles, even when — especially when — they make you miserable.
44. Accept your inevitable death; cherish your precious life.
More birthday-related bangers
Middle age isn’t for the faint of heart.
I’m somehow a young man in the prime of my life, and also precariously close to death. I’ve reached peak intellectual and financial power, and yet, according to the so-called U-Bend, I’m still two years from achieving peak misery.
To contend with these contradictions, last September I created a custom playbook to flip the script on the nadir of existence5:
To celebrate my forty-second birthday, I wrote this light, breezy, and inspiring post (seriously!):
Finally, on my forty-third birthday, I wrote a deeply personal poem recounting my absurd existence (this one’s paywalled, but it may be the best short-form piece I’ve written):
Up next
I’ve got a killer piece lined up for Friday, September 13, which MFA types might describe as “satirical auto-meta-fiction.”
In the meantime, let’s connect via Instagram, Threads, and LinkedIn. And don’t forget to check out the Field Research archive, which includes over 145 stories, most of which are free to read.
Stay frosty out there.
Amran
P.S. If you enjoyed this piece, click the button below to sign up via email.
To be clear, I have not read Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos. Based on how they’ve worked for him, I don’t intend to either. I did, however, consult his list using Wikipedia.
Adapted from my friend’s daily advice to his sons: Be tough, and be kind.
Anyone can offer an empty apology. Actions speak louder than words, as they say.
If you find yourself reading Leverage and despising the experience — quit! Just make sure to leave a five-star review on Amazon and Goodreads.
Still my most popular post.
Love this. Happy Birthday!!
Golden rules. Happy Birthday, Amran!